you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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