It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
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It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
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You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me