So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
where does the pee come out of this thing
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
