I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
