I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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