I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
