someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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