hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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