I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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