I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
