He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
