Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
