OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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