my phone needs a breathalizer
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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