He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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