Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He passed out mid-signature
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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