Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
