My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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