and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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