Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
