listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
