the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
