there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
