I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
