Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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