Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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