K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
