i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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