You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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