Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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