this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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