I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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