Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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