plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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