sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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