I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
