Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
