You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
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I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
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blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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