From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
