at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
