Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
