im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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