so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
