I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
