I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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