It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
