...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
