At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
