I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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