and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
