My room smells like vodka and shame
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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