Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
