He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
