so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
