I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
