Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
