you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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