Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
