she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Sorry my hands just texted you
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
