well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
