in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I could have mohawked her pubes.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir