Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea