words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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