I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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