I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
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Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
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My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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